I guess I am one of those people who cries in church now… a lot.

At church a couple of weeks ago I was doing fine.  I was enjoying the talks and feeling good and motivated and humbled and all of the feelings. And while I find it frustrating when people so very vaguely refer to their “trials,” I will do the same thing here because there is only so much I can share and put in public spaces without completely overwhelming myself.

Our lesson in relief society was about faith. One woman shared a story about how she had felt frustrated with herself for believing and having faith that her grandpa would live a long life when he just passed away. She was so confident and faithful that he would live for much longer, and when he died, it broke her heart so much she was angry with herself for allowing herself to get so hopeful. While no one close to me has died, the feeling of feeling like having faith is pointless sometimes rang so true for me, I burst into tears.

I was shocked with myself. I hardly cry in church and I often mock people who do. But as other women shared stories, the tears continued to come.  I began slightly shaking, I could barely stop myself. I tried taking deep breaths and thinking other things, but each time a sentence was shared about having faith in God’s timing and not understanding why hard things happen, it cut me so deeply to the core that the only way I could express myself was through deep, deep tears.

It was testimonies of very difficult trials and not understanding how God could let such a thing happen, and then realizing later how the trial was a vital part of His plan and how it made their life so much better.

It was as if God was speaking directly to me. It was as if all other thoughts and people in the room were gone, but these words, these phrases, kept sticking out to me and prompting me to tears.

I didn’t want to completely make a fool of myself, although many people in the room had noticed the state I was in and offered me tissues, quiet hugs, and smiles, I did my best to hold it all together.

Then when I got in the car with my sweet husband, I literally wailed.  I hiccuped. My eyes got red and blotchy and my husband held me in his arms for an hour and rubbed my back and gave me soft kisses.

And it was through those sudden tears that I realized how little I had been actually depending on my God lately.  I had only been angry with myself for not having enough faith, that I kept thinking that my lack of faith was holding me back from what I had been praying for.  I realized that of course my prayers weren’t going to be answered in the way and in the timing that I wanted, but that God was teaching me a very valuable lesson. He was teaching me to completely and wholly depend on Him.  He continues to show me that things do not always go the way that we think they should go, but only when we completely surrender ourselves to Him, will we find complete joy and happiness.

So while I will continue to fervently pray, I will now pray for the faith and strength to accept His will and His timing in my life, and not pray for my wishes to be granted immediately. Because He is my Heavenly Father, and only He knows what is truly best for me, because He can see all that I cannot.


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