When life gets too hard to stand, kneel.

You know that feeling when your throat is tight and you are trying to hold back tears so you keep coughing and blowing your nose trying to disguise your desire to burst into tears by a fake cold? That was today. Today was a rough day. I may or may not have cried in the bathroom at work a few times and during a presentation. Everyone just kept saying how tired I looked, so I’m glad no one noticed my eyes were red for a different reason (insert laughing/crying emoji here…)

It’s a fragile road made of eggshells and roller coasters and lots of ups and downs, this infertility road. This morning, I was trying to give myself so many pep talks to go to work. I just told myself, I just have to make it through today! Tomorrow will be fresh and a new start and everything will be good. But I kept crying too much I couldn’t get dressed. It’s so frustrating. I feel so helpless and weak and like I should just be able to make myself stop. A quote from somewhere came into my head: “When life gets too hard to stand, kneel.” I fell to my knees. I prayed and I cried and I knew that tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can’t speak. The psalmist wrote: “put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?”

I knew we had planned to go to the temple tonight and I kept holding onto that. I prayed every moment I could. As I was walking back to work from my lunch break I prayed some more – and a few thoughts popped into my head, followed by chills running down my entire body – and I stopped, and I knew, I knew that was an answer to my prayer. One of these promptings was to ask Dallin for a priesthood blessing for comfort and strength. I remembered that. Another was to learn of others’ in my situation and talk with them and mourn with them too. Working on that. Starting with this blog post.

As soon as we walked into the temple tonight and we began the endowment session (for more info on what I’m talking about you can find out more here) I felt peace. I knew that Heavenly Father loves me. That He is very aware of me. I knew that I am surrounded by so many people who love me. I knew that I am a part of Jesus Christ’s church on the earth today and it is the greatest blessing in the world.  I knew that He is my Savior and my everything. I knew that I loved Him and that I trusted Him and that my tears were okay, that every tear was known to Him.

I am not writing this for pity or for you to feel sorry for me. Please, please don’t. I’m only writing this because while whoever is reading this may not have experienced infertility, we have all had moments where we feel we can no longer stand. Words cannot express how grateful I am that I can kneel and that I know my prayers are heard. I am writing this because sharing it and how I’m learning from it is my way of finding purpose through it all.

Thank you all for your love and prayers. Thank you for asking me how I’m doing and not being afraid. It means the world.

Love,

Emma