I haven’t written on you for 10 months. How is that? Yet, I have so many drafts I have written and not published. And I feel like hitting publish on a lot of them because vulnerability is power and empathy is what makes us human and if we aren’t willing to be human then what are we?
I wrote this in May earlier this year, although I do feel like I could have written it yesterday.
The last month has felt like some sort of turning point for me. There are no words to explain it, other than the fact that I feel like I’ve reached adulthood. Like my prime has passed or like I’ve seen a lot a bit of life and the world and just hard things. It’s probably the weight and the bloat from the fertility drugs and the side effect of constant starvation. It’s probably learning to grapple with a constant emotional rollercoaster. Added responsibilities at work and at church. Close friends going through hard, real problems that are oh not so sheltered. Opening my heart to more and more love and ideas. Turning 25. Having my 3rd anniversary.
I’m sure everyone is saying — Oh, Emma. You are so young and so naive still. And while maybe I am, I don’t feel it, and the weight of the world makes my heart hurt.
I’ve always been the Jane in Pride and Prejudice. And right now, Bingley has broken my heart and I’m trying to accept that. I know that she gets Bingley in the end, but right now he seems like he’s in love with someone else and I will be perfectly content loving and being a support to those around me because I don’t need no man! (This analogy was about children not about Dallin because we all know I need Dallin in order to even survive.)
So anyways, here’s to adulthood. It’s pretty dang hard but it’s also pretty dang amazing how strong and resilient we are through it all.