My Up and Down Relationship with Blogging

I have such an up and down relationship with blogging. (As you can tell by the scarcity and randomness of when I post.) So often I have the urge to write, to type and type and not be able to type the words fast enough to get them out before I forget them. I have so many unpublished drafts sitting in my posts folder just waiting to be seen, but I can’t bring myself to publish them. I want to tell you about my mental back and forth and what fears keep me from hitting publish, but what keeps bringing me back to it.

Why do I not blog for such long periods of time? I love to write. It is my absolute favorite art form and creative outlet.

Every time I write I feel better, more grateful, like I can accomplish anything, and I sleep so much better. There are so many positive effects for me. You could say to me, “then just keep a journal! Don’t worry about the blog!” But I can write and write and just read what I have written for myself, but I am also a sharer at heart. I process things by venting and having a conversation and just talking with people. And that’s why writing in a journal isn’t always enough for me. Because I want to write and share and have a conversation with others and grow from doing that. but this is also where I get scared.

Because having a conversation with random people on the internet and putting your heart out there for the world to see is FREAKING SCARY!

Another fear of mine is when people in real life talk to me about my blog. I get so queasy and nervous and embarrassed and I change the subject real quick.  But I try so hard to own up to it, but for some reason I’m ashamed? And I’m not ashamed about what I write about (you can ask me about infertility any time, I will happily talk to you about it), I’m just embarrassed about the fact that I wrote about it on a blog in the first place.

I also have a hard time associating myself as a “writer” or a “blogger” because… blogger girls! They just say stuff like “I just want to hop on here real quick” for Instagram stories and they are always just sponsoring products and how can I know if they really believe what they are saying or if they are just trying to make an income? And that’s okay too! Because I get it! (And my husband just started a business that NEEDS these amazing influencers!) I just don’t necessarily associate with the typical definition of a blogger. And it makes me feel stuck because I love to blog, but I don’t want to be a typical blogger because I just want to write. And this is another reason why I’m scared when people mention my blog in person! Because they probably think I’m just another blogger girl and I can’t take it!

But here’s the thing. I feel like maybe I do have a voice. Like there are things that I need to talk about and things that I need to learn from publishing these vulnerable posts.

Like maybe blogging could go back to how it was? Where people just talked about the real life, the every day, where they stopped trying to be perfect all the time and things were just honest and real and raw and unfiltered. But even though I know that will never happen, can I do that? Will people even read that? What’s the point of publishing it if no one wants to read it? What’s the point of putting it on a blog if people aren’t commenting and being a part of the conversation too? And do people really even value what I have to say? Why would they value what I have to say? I don’t have any pretty pictures and that’s all people care about these days, right? But who cares? Because I like saying it?

Yeah, I put a question mark after every sentence there. I did that on purpose. Because I really have no idea what to think. I want to write on here so badly. I want to have the time to articulate everything perfectly. I want to contribute value and put something good and real out there into the world. But I don’t know how my heart can take the criticisms and the judgments and the stereotypes and the vulnerability.

Yet, I know I need to do it. I know I need to just suck it up, ignore the haters, and publish the posts in my drafts folder. And as a part of that, I need to interact more with what I read. I need to support others that are trying to write about the real things, just like me. I need to actively participate in the conversation, not just absorb the conversation.

I need to start making progress and stop being afraid because I am afraid of imperfection. I will follow my heart. Because right now, my heart is calling me to write. To write, write, write.


It can’t get any more blogger girl than this picture, folks!



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